


I've Been Locked and You're The Key

by retrovertigo (ellameno)



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Adult Eddie Kaspbrak, Asexual Awareness Week, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Demiromantic, Demisexuality, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Acephobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Other, Queer Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-13 17:53:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21194375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellameno/pseuds/retrovertigo
Summary: The earliest he remembered being different was in college...The first time he met a gay man, it sent him to the hospital.A ficlet inspired by the miniseries and transferred to movie canon, following an a-spec Eddie through adulthood.[For Ace Awareness Week]





	I've Been Locked and You're The Key

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer that I'm a-spec and this fic represents just one way to be demi that I felt was true to Eddie from his confession in the miniseries. It's been a long time headcanon of mine before the new film came out.
> 
> Title from "Ancient Water" by Future Islands
> 
> CWs for drinking, mentions of sex, and a-spec microaggressions. 
> 
> ETA: Since some people didn't read the tags there is homophobia too, implied, internalized, and outward.

The earliest Eddie remembered being different was in college. His peers had a parade of partners, dates, one-night stands. And though he didn’t feel jealous, he bristled with annoyance anytime relationships were brought up.

“Eddie, how come you never bring anyone back to the dorm?” his roommate asked.

“I dunno. I guess I’m focused on school and work right now.”

“Me too, man, but I got straight A’s and a hot date every Saturday.”

He flipped the page in his textbook. “I have — I have attention issues, I can’t get distracted.”

“But what’s the _real_ reason? Didn’t Abby ask you out on Thursday?”

“I’m being mature, maybe?” It was his answer for everything.

“Dude…” His roommate lowered his voice. “Are you gay or something?”

Eddie slammed his book shut. “I _wish_ I was gay. Life would be a lot easier.”

“What the fuck does _that_ mean?”

Eddie didn’t respond, and instead stormed out of the room.

\---

The first time he met a gay man, it sent him to the hospital. Immediately Eddie was hit with a strange arrhythmia in his chest and waves of what felt like hallucinations. A co-worker called for an ambulance, but upon arrival, every symptom disappeared. Eddie, being the nervous wreck that he was, checked himself in for overnight observation.

In the loneliness of his hospital bed he attempted to sort things out. He pictured the man he’d met. There was nothing particularly handsome about him. Nothing charismatic, even. Eddie didn’t really want to be his friend or even get to know him. Not because he was gay, but because he was like speaking to cardboard.

Maybe it was all his stress catching up to him.

He glanced at the beeping heart rate monitor and remembered the flashes of images that made his head spin. Vague impressions; bicycles, music, wet shoes in a creek-bed. Beeping. Sharp pain shot through his arm, like a broken bone. The beeping quickened. Eddie’s chest hurt from palpitations as he clutched the bedsheets and concentrated as hard as he could to push through his mind’s static.

A nurse burst into the room, jolting Eddie from his trance.

“I think I’m having a heart attack,” he moaned.

\---

“Thanks for seeing me,” the man said as Eddie sat across from him in the bar booth. “I’m sorry I gave you a stroke at work.”

Eddie chuckled. “It — It wasn’t you being… _you know_,” he said cryptically so others wouldn’t hear. “I have a bunch of medical conditions and I’m… Between the internship and school I’m really spread thin right now.”

“Well. I wanted to buy you a beer as an apology.” His fingers tapped on the table. “And to make sure you weren’t going to tell anyone outside of the office.”

Eddie fidgeted. “I honestly can’t remember things that I don’t put in writing, so… I’ll probably forget in a week.”

His co-worker raised the bottle he’d already been nursing. “Here’s to forgetting.”

Eddie had never drank so much in his life. Part of it was nerves, dreading another incident, anxious that he’d say the wrong thing. And also an attempt to enjoy the company of a man who thought file organization techniques were riveting conversation.

After his fourth shot he worked up the nerve to ask a question that was burning in him.

“So… how... did you figure out that you’re… who you are?”

“The same way you know you’re straight,” his co-worker said.

“I mean, I know I’m supposed to date a girl and have kids. But I’ve never met any girls I want to date.”

“But do _men_ turn you on?”

Eddie shook his head. “I don’t think anyone’s ever turned me on.”

His co-worker laughed. “I don’t believe that. There had to be someone.” 

Eddie’s hands trembled as he felt alone yet again even in the company of another outcast. He stood up abruptly. “I think I have alcohol poisoning. I have to throw up now.”

\---

His classmate Katie pulled him aside at the party. “Abby really likes you. Like. _Really_ likes you.”

“So I’ve heard,” Eddie dismissed.

“Yeah, well, she says you’ve been ignoring her for years, and it’s making her crazy.”

“She’s in biochem and does pageants. We have nothing in common, so why would I talk to her?”

“You’d literally turn down the genius beauty queen?” she laughed.

“Yeah,” he said. It was obvious.

“Wow,” Katie glanced around the room. “_Well._ It so happens I like you too. I think we have a lot more in common, sharing all the classes we do.” Eddie’s eyes scanned for his roommate in disinterest. “But as Abby’s best friend, I guess it’d be really uncool of me to hook up with you at our graduation party, huh?”

Eddie’s gaze snapped back to her. “Huh?”

“What if it’s her _and_ me? At the same time?”

“Wait, you want me to _date both of you_ at once?” Eddie groaned.

Her head shot back with laughter. “You’re _so funny_, Eddie.” She nudged him. “As funny as you are cute.”

“Listen, I — I’m sorry, but it’s graduation, and our lives are all parting ways now.” He looked over her shoulder again into the distant crowd. “I’d rather hang out with my friends for one last night — and it’s not like I’d have time to do the long distance thing with two girls, like, hell—”

“Well, we can show you a thing or two in the upstairs bedroom and see if one of us can change your mind.” She took a step closer.

“No.” Eddie’s stomach hurt. “I don’t know you.”

She ran her palm along his chest. “But you’ll know me better than anyone after tonight.”

He felt a panic attack brewing. “I can’t sleep with someone I don’t love.”

“Don’t be such a baby,” she teased.

Eddie’s fists clenched. “I’m twenty-two years old, I’m not a _fucking baby_.”

As he walked away she threw a slur that stabbed him like a knife, and his head began swimming again.

\---

Thirty was nearing and Eddie had yet to go on a date that didn’t leave him bored. Perhaps his standards were too high, but everyone he met — women, _men —_ they just had something lacking behind their attractive faces. There was an element _missing._ And none of them approached relationships as seriously and analytically as he did.

But finally, after many drinks at the office holiday party, something clicked. Kind of.

“I just need you to know that I’m an old-fashioned gal,” she said, tucking hair behind her ear. “Sanctity of marriage and all that.”

Eddie gripped his chair. “Me too.”

“Oh?” Her eyes widened and she looked away. “That’s um... surprising for someone as handsome as you. H-How old are you?”

“Twenty-nine.”

“I’m thirty-two,” she admitted. “I thought you’d have heaps of experience then.”

“No. Hell no. Like, it’s not like I’ve never been asked — College was a_ nightmare_ for me.” He leaned forward. “I mean, how am I supposed to really know someone that early? How am I supposed to have that connection? How do I let so-someone touch me if it’s not love — And how do know it’s love until I know that we’re together for life?”

She took a deep breath. “And you _mean_ that — For real. You’re not just bullshitting me.”

“I’ve never been able to be more honest in my whole life.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Like, everyone _laughs_ at me before I can explain myself.”

She pinched her brow. “Gosh, this is weird, ‘cause like I know I’m crashing my dad’s work party, but… Do you want to get coffee sometime?”

Eddie pursed his lips. “Yeah. _Yeah,_ ‘cause I… I feel comfortable with you. I barely know you but like, I feel like I know you? You know? Am I drunk and not making sense?”

“No, it makes sense.” She grinned.

“Sometimes I get this deja vu, like I’m forgetting something really important and…” He squinted. “Maybe you like, remind me of my mom or something — Is that weird?”

“Don’t all guys want to marry someone like their mom?”

Eddie nodded. It sounded right to him. That had to be it.

\---

“I hope you understand,” Myra said. “I think it’s my medication.”

Eddie smiled. “I totally understand.”

“Well, that’s not what men usually say. Especially with a smile.”

“Look. I just want my bride to be happy and not feel obligated to doing anything she isn’t 100% ready for.”

“So you’re not… disappointed?” Her shoulders slumped. “I mean, this is our honeymoon--”

“And we have a whole list of things to do,” he said as he paced, “like the museum, and dinner reservations on the top floor of--”

“Eddie, you’re sweet, you’ve always been sweet, but you don’t have to lie.”

He stopped in his tracks. “It’s not a lie. Would you be upset with me if _you_ said yes and I said no?” Eddie asked. Myra shrugged and it wasn’t the answer he hoped. “Maybe… Maybe it’s my medication too.”

She looked up in interest. “Well. You never mentioned that.”

“I never really thought about it until you brought it up.” Though it wasn’t listed in his meticulously documented side-effects.

Myra wiped her eyes. “So are we… Are we that kind of couple already?” she asked. “In a sexless marriage?”

“I mean, probably not _forever._” He thought it would feel different on the other side of things, after vows, and cake, and life plans. 

Maybe they just needed more time.

\---

Up until now everything had been locked away in his mind, and their smiles had hit him like a train. Bike rides with the wind in his hair, wading through ponds to build dams, jumping into quarries, sleepovers where they couldn’t stop laughing. The happiest moments of his life.

He was right. He was right all along, about _everything_. He wasn’t an anti-social void of emotion — he _could_ be blissful in the company of others. But no one out in the adult world ever compared to his childhood friends. It wasn’t about gender. It wasn’t his medication. It was about commitment, about commonality — he couldn’t feel anything without love. And he’d never loved anyone as much as them. Platonic bonds etched into his palm and infusing his blood with lifelong loyalty.

And then _he_ walked in.

What Eddie previously mistook for romance was just comfort. Now for the first time in his adult life his ears burned, and his hands shook, and he was short of breath, and had a skull full of bees — not because of an allergic reaction or asthma or an anxiety attack, but because he had _a crush_. The only human he’d follow into hell. The only one he’d die for.

And now he had to bury it deep, deep down, and pretend to be a grown-up and not a lovesick boy.

The shot glass hits the table and Richie turns to him. “So, wait, Eddie, _you got married?_”

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting in this fandom so I hope you like it and I have other demi-Eddie fics I'm working on if people would like me to continue. Thank you to Blaise for beta reading on short notice!
> 
> ETA: Since the movie changed some stuff I came up with a headcanon that Myra was the daughter of Eddie's boss and they had a very prolonged long-distance relationship. I mention this all in another Reddie wip I've yet to post.
> 
> Plugging [my main blog](http://television-for-dinner.tumblr.com/tagged/fic+stuff), my [my art/fanworks blog](http://tommytonebender.tumblr.com).


End file.
